Dress: H&M, Cardigan: New Look
I have become kind of cynical about relationships recently. I began to doubt if people really could continue to love each other or whether they simply grow used to the company and stay together.
Forever has suddenly turned into two and a half years. "I love you" suddenly has an unspoken "for now" on the end. I doubt the happy smiles, wondering when they will become sarcastic eye-rolls and sighs.
Erin recently wrote on her blog that every relationship takes a piece of your heart. And I honestly believe that every experience alters you just a little bit. And I feel that my last relationship has taken away my naive and hopeful longing for a relationship that will "last forever".
So I began to think that even if a man was to come along, promise to love me forever, and always think I'm beautiful and always hold me when I needed him, that I wouldn't believe him. That I would walk away so that I don't get hurt, that I would look him straight in the eye and tell him that he, and every other guy, is a liar. That even if he believed that now, it won't last. But here is where I have been going wrong. I have lumped all men and all relationships in together.
My Grandmother, Anne, is staying with us at the moment and we went on a long walk through the winding lanes of Surrey's countryside and spoke about life. She has been married to my Grandad since she was 19 years old, she had my father at 20 and has lived in the same house for 44 years. I asked her if she was happy. She explained to me that she wouldn't want to be without Jack, that she could never see herself being with anyone else and neither did she want to be. She told me that although she had had boyfriends before, when she met Jack she knew that he was different, that he was 'the one'. She doesn't spend every waking minute with him, doesn't walk along holding his hand and doesn't even sleep in the same room as him, but she loves him. And it gave me hope once more.
I am not suddenly cured of my more realistic attitude to love, floating back off into the romantic, fairytale clouds. But I did realise that not every relationship ends, that some feelings remain forever.
And I also realised that, despite what I have been telling myself, that I don't want or need a long term, serious relationship, that I want what Anne and Jack have. That I want to share my life with someone.
Happy Anniversary Jack and Anne! I love you :)
I appologise for the ramble,