I may be able to smile for the camera now, but last night was another story. I was a desperate, hysterical heap crying out to God one single word: why. And I couldn't find the answer. Not through prayer and not through searching through the bible. I read through the psalms and it still didn't help. Not one little bit.
But I know that he's there. I know that he is Just and Good. I know that I will never understand all that he does, that I might scream and cry until I fall asleep in a wretched heap, but that he is still there and he still loves me.
In my weakness, he is strong.
And I am so weak right now, so I can only hold onto the hope that he is at this strongest. There must be a reason for the situation, something I don't know, something that only he who is bigger than everything and anyone else can comprehend.
In him I will put my trust.
I was really struck by Erin's post today on thankfulness and the amazing video she posted and I was determined to think of all the things that I am thankful for, even as I cry out to God that I am struggling.
Where would I be without you? You held me as I cried last night and, even more importantly, when I knew that all I wanted to do was cry out to God, you left. I don't know to thank you enough.
2. My mother.
She is so amazing and wonderful and I haven't really seen it until this difficult situation. I love you and I hope that you see that. Now I can see how much you love me too.
3. All the people who have supported me through this situation; Lena, Trudy, everyone who has been praying for me.
4. The beautiful sunshine today. The sun always reminds me of God's perfect creation and his awe and splendour. To say I needed this today would be a complete understatement.
5. Every person I met in passing as I went into the little village near me:
The old man who smiled back at me instead of looking at the ground nervously, the ladies who let me take pictures of their bakery with my Praktica, the man who said hi to me who I served at work last weekend, the family friend who stopped for a conversation. I needed every one of them.
May the peace of the Lord be always with you,